Progressive Insanities of The Hawkins

Drag the waters some more...

2006-10-23T16:40:00.000-06:00

Everything is different. I live with my boyfriend (we just has had our 1 year). My trust is in whiskey and weed and black sabbath (i'm listening to pantera right now) FUCKING EH! I work at a prominant hotel which is fucking awesome. I'm still wiccan, and im more heavy metal than ever and i love it. life fucking rocks!. I havent had any contact with anyone i knew a couple years ago, and that sucks. i wish i knew how everyone was, but oh well... i travel in a different circle now. awe fuck, time to go to work.

ode to my mom

2006-06-04T00:03:00.000-06:00

.....k, its not much of an 'ode'

Love never disapears for death is a non event.
I have mearly retired to the room next door.
You and i are still the same, what we were for each other, we still are..
Speak to me as you always have, do not use a different tone, do not be sad.
Continue to laugh at what made us laugh.
Smile and think of me.
The link is not severed.
Why should i be out of your soul, if i am just out of your sight?
I will wait for you, I am not here, but just on the other side of this path.
You see, all is well.

Nancy Irene Sloan
May 9, 1956 - May 31, 2006
Mother, Daughter, Wife, and friend

I'm gonna miss you mom

"what a drag it is getting old..."

2006-02-24T19:31:00.000-06:00

The Rolling Stones....The godfathers of rock and roll.
Black Sabbath....The Godfathers of Metal.

Where would i ever be without them?

Ok, so im at home.....home home....little hickville home... and it's nice. I'm not sure whether im really relaxed or really bored. It's kinda a toss-up right now. I'm slowly starting to unwind though... its amazing how wound up a person can become in such a short amount of time.

The shitty part - tommorow im going to see my mom and grandma (thats NOT the shitty part), but im also going to see a lady that i lived with when i was younger, a foster family. She's in the hospital dying of Cancer right now. Its all through her body, and the way things are going, this will probably be goodbye. I don't think i'll see her again. I don't make it out here very often.

How do you say goodbye to someone you know is dying?
Fucked if i know.

It sure is good being here though... being able to go outside and see for miles and miles and miles, and only see 1 or 2 cars drive by in like a half an hour. Its amazing....

i just heard the timer on the oven go off....time to take my cake out... (yes im baking)(for reals, man).

peace out

so many changes

2006-02-23T16:21:00.000-06:00

wow... I don't have a computer anymore or any real access to one, but i couldn't believe it was months since i updated... that's unreal.
there are so many changes in my life right now....it would take me hours to write them all out the way i want them written out.... but i just don't have the time. the biggest change would be Eric. My Prince. 4.5 months we've been dating, but it feels like years. Its amazing how happy i am... yeah, me a quince broke up like a week and a half after our one year, and it was by far the best decision i have ever made in my entire life. It took a good man like Eric to teach me how it feels to be loved, and respected. how it feels to be a woman. I'm deliriously happy with him. We're with each other consantly...i practically live with the guy. He's 23, tall, increadably hansome. He's a metal Head. He has hair longer than mine, is always in black jeans and a band shirt and his leather jacket with spikes on the shoulders. He looks like someone you wouldn't want to meet in a back alley. I was kinda scared of him the first time i met him, but he's the most romantic person i've ever been with.
I no longer work at 7-11. Thank god! unfortunatly, i currently work no where. that will change.
I'm also looking for a new roomate...mine decided to do something foolish like get married so i need to be in a new place by the end of the month.
and i'm still a practicing wiccan. most of my old friends shit themselves when i tell them that. It's great.
in a nutshell (a really small one), that the new shit.
exciting huh?

its been a long time

2005-09-21T18:36:00.000-06:00

Wow, it really sucks not having a computer anymore. I found where i can get a desktop for like $100, so maybe next month i'll have it up and working. So whats new? Oh my God, what isn't new? A whole lot can happen within a month. Where should i start?
Yea for Eva being back in the city. (i missed you) (subway date?)
I got another raise at work (a small raise, but definatly a raise)
I dedicated myself to the craft on the harvest moon. I FINALLY made the decision after months of research and pouring over books. And i just recently joined an online pagan group in Saskatoon. Its all very exciting!
Me and Quince broke up again, and i have a feeling its going to be for a much longer time than before.
I'm still living with Crista, and its still going good.
Theres lots of other things, some of which that i'll refrain from speaking about and potentially smearing people names and hurting their feelings...all in all things are going ok.
And today is September 21st. The autumn Equinox and Mabon - a day of power.

Sometime, i'm going write a long blog about some of the things i believe so you don't all think that i lost my marbles and try to admit me into a psyciatric hospital. I love you all, and hope everyone is doing good.
Blessed Be!

i year aniversary, an another birthday

2005-08-26T17:01:00.000-06:00

Woop'de friking do.

thats not fair....let me re-phrase. Aniversary rocked. Birthday sucked ass.

*sigh*

Why am i so god-damned pessimistic lately? Seriously, me and quince's 1 year was awesome. We went to the spa in moose jaw, and got a suite with a king size bed and a jacuzi. Yeah, we didn't leave our room a whole lot.

My birthday was a waste of time. It was the waste of a perfectly good day, that may have actually been good, but unfortunatly was the day that i turned 22. Fuck i feel old now....I'm not, but i feel it. in fact i slept most of it away....i worked, slept, then got anoyed at my boyfriend for not caring about anything. our weekend away made up for everything this last year.... he was so increadably romantic and sweet and everything that i wanted him to be. i love him, and, im happy to be with him, i really am.

blah blah blah

whatever

shannons wedding

2005-07-30T21:48:00.000-06:00

well her wedding was today....and it was beautiful. she was beautiful. everything was beautiful. i don't really know what else to say about it. I think im actually kinda stunned. Quince came with me. The food was good.... i saw some friends i havent seen for a while... Rob seems really nice, and now for some reason i have the biggest urge to drink myself under the table, so i think i may do that... Quince, allan and me are going to go to Jax now. so yeah, congrats Shanny, i wish you all the best things ever, cause you deserve it more than most. i love you hun.

life in the fast lane (sure to make me lose my mind)

2005-07-15T17:50:00.000-06:00

So im living with two people from work.
Sammie Jo, and chick my age, and 30 year old gay alcoholic Vance. And with his binge drinking and rowdiness, sleep has not been an option for the last 2 weeks. And now my body is so used to not sleeping that its almost impossible to sleep more than 3-4 hours at at time no matter what. One things for sure - he's turned me off of drinking forever. Its only till the end of the month then i move in with my friend Christa, right across the street from Sev. My new goal is to live with everyone who works there. Seriously though, this will be 4 different places in 4 months. Work is good, i worked my first ( and hopefully last) gas shift yesterday. It was also my 7th day in a row and i was just exhaused. frick! Me and Quince are doing just wonderfully... i think we're closer than ever and are just getting more and more comfortable and open with each other. He's the best thing thats ever happened to me. Shannon's getting married in 2 weeks and asked me if i would be the person to get everyone to sign the registar, and of course i would. It was really nice for her to ask me to be part of the wedding even if it was only a little part. Its the thought that counts. What else... I bought my first set of Tarot Cards, for you who don't know i've been reading up on wicca and that sort of stuff... unlike Christianity, which i felt was rather forced on me, Wicca is something that has been seeking me out for a while, and something that i have always felt drawn too. And unless you know something about the craft dont leave me any retarded notes. Theirs so many misconseptions about Wicca, and i had a compleatly different opinion about it before i read up on it. I havent been consecrated yet, but im thinking not the next full moon, but the full moon after that, in september. theres still more things i need to read up on. But yeah, life is suprisingly crazy right now. I honestly feel that every day i sink deeper and deeper into a black hole of insanity...mostly due to the people i live with. thats all for now

Im moving again

2005-06-27T13:24:00.001-06:00

yes again. That will be 3 places within 3 months. now im moving in with a couple other people from work...gay guy vance, and sammie ( a girl, by the way).
I'm sick of my roomate here... i swear i havent felt this alienated or unwanted since i lived in foster care, and now that i'm an adult, there is absolutly no reason why i should have to put up with this! so yesterday (the 29th), i decided that i was going to move today (the 30th). The scary thing is that i havent even told her yet... she's not going to like the fact that i didn't give her any notice, but she should have thought of that when she was treating me like shit.
so now i'll be sleeping on my couch in the living room for a couple months, then hopefully ( oh please God), i'll get my own place. I am so freaking sick of moving around all the time....i counted it the other day and this will be the 34th place i'll have lived...thats 13 more times than how old i am. that is compleatly rediculous! hopefully some sort of stability will come to me soon. i can only hope...now to pack my few things....

Regina Trip

2005-06-27T13:24:00.000-06:00

oh my goodness.... i had so much fun this weekend, it was rediculous.
Quince, mr. J (his dad), and me all went up on saturday morning. We got there early afternoon and the first place they need to stop is burger baron. They assured me it was a frickin awesome burger, and i would have to agree. We don't have one in stoon, so whenever they go up there they have to eat at buger baron.
Then we checked out an IMAX film called 'mysteries of the nile' or something to that effect, and that was good except i had the hugest headache after watching that....all the moving and turning made my stomach wanna 'Breehhhcckk!'
Then we got our tickets for the stampeders, explored Casino Regina for a while and checked into the hotel. The show was amazing! It was in this fancy auditorium at the hotel with like balcony seats and everything... we got really good seats, and when they played 'sweet city woman' i had to do everything to keep from jumping up and down. After that we went to BP's and then to the hotel.
It was kinda weird staying in a hotel room with quince AND Mr. J, but it was alright sleeping with quince and snuggling all night. We don't get many chances to do that so i cherish it every time.
Mrs. J met up with us the next day, but before she did we went and fed the geese by the lake, and checked out some museum thing, which was ok. Man, do those geese stink though...yeck.
When we went to the Casino, we were only there for about a half hour when quince put in $20 and won $435. I didn't gamble....i need my money and the thought of losing it was more than i could deal with....i wanted to when quince won though, the lucky bastard. Then i took him shopping and he got really nice jeans and a few t-shirts... they are so nice ass jeans... and the most important thing is that they're not 80's jeans, which is all he owns...now he has a different style. thank god.
then we came home....the end.

Yesterday...all my troubles seemed so far away...

2005-06-22T07:28:00.000-06:00

oh yeah, i love the beatles. anyways, on to the stories... I woke up yesterday and falon asked me if i wanted to go downtown. Im like, "yes! who wouldn't", so we ventured downtown with lots of money and her digital camera, and had a really fun afternoon and evening. She took some awesome pictures, and some weird ones (including me kissing a statue, and standing underneath the water fountain, molesting a fire truck, etc..etc...) (and then her being all nasty to a rather large rock, wading in the river, under a sign that says to worship her). We attracted some attention with our CRAZY antics. Then we got home and quince called me (of course), so i made him take me to the train bridge where we watched the natural fireworks of beautiful lightning. we stayed up there talking for like an hour taking in the spectacular display of power.....it really was impressive last night. There would be moments where the sky would be lighted up for like 20 seconds. . . when i got home, the real thunderstorm started and kept me up till like 3 am (i got up at 7am for work)(not cool) hugging my teddy bear, jumping outta my skin at the huge crashes....it even hailed for a few minutes...i felt safer knowing that there were other people in the house though. anyways, now its time for work....amanda out

progressively getting happier

2005-06-15T19:01:00.000-06:00

quince is whisking me away with his family to Regina in a couple weeks to go see the stampeders, and waste lots of money in the casino. He's trying to make up for how much he really hurt my feelings, and how could i possibly refuse? its the stampeders - ya know - sweet city woman, and hit the road jack. good times. I just need to get the time off work, no prob. i saw allan yesterday, rather briefly. he told me how sorry he was and told me he'd do anything to make it up to me, and i told him my dignity and self esteem have no price, and both he did a damn good job and breaking. we decided that he wouldnt call me, i'd call him. I'm going to a movie with falon tonight....the amityville horror. i have a good job, i have a place to live, and good food in the house. I have music, and love and friends and people who care about me and people i care about, and am learning to make healthy choices....learning. I'm not quite there yet....the codine still flows strongly in my system, but its one thing at a time right? and i told quince what happened...with allan, and the week that we were apart, and he understands and just wants to be a good person in my life and support me in my decisions. which is nice for once. I hope everyone else is good.....time for supper.
Amanda out

I said Hello

2005-06-13T16:28:00.000-06:00

I called quince yesterday. I told him i needed to meet him somewhere cause i really needed to talk to him. So we met, and as soon as i met him, i looked at him and almost started to cry, because i missed him so much. We went for coffee and i told him my decision with allan, not the reasons or anything, but he fully supported my decision. He told me how sorry he was, and how he see's how he really made a wrong choice and how much he hurt me. You could say that we reconciled our friendship. He told me how much he cares about me and how much he never wants to lose me, and how much he was scared that he did. It's been the hardest, loneliest week of my life, and to lose both of my best friends felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest.... and i sunk, oh did i sink. To levels i havent sunk to in a very long time.... but now, i think i have some peace in my life... now that Allan's gone and things are better with quince... i'm just dealing with things one at a time.

I said goodbye

2005-06-11T16:07:00.001-06:00

i said goodbye to my best friend today. I called him, and told him that quince and him were going to have to play a little game called 'Amanda doesnt exist anymore'. He didn't like the idea....im sure quince wont care, but whatever.

Its not that im trying to be a bitch or anything... Its just that right now, there are a lot of people in my life that aren't good for me. I'm not sure who's entirely not good for me, but im slowly weeding them out.

I've reached a boiling point.....and im trying to simmer before the pot boils over and scalds people....does that make sense...?

and in the meantime, im probably getting myself into a lot of shit that i shouldn't be getting into....and im scared and confused and have no idea right now how anything in my life is going to turn out. At least i have a stable job though, right? and i place to live.

I didn't want to say goodbye, but i had to...i can't have people in my life i cant trust and i know will hurt me....Falon said that and made it quite clear... its just what needs to happen

its tougher than it looks

2005-06-05T17:59:00.000-06:00

Being a Jedi isn't all you think its cracked up to be. It's a heck of a lot tougher than it looks. The whole mental wave-of-the-hand-to-make-someone-do-something thing looks a whole lot easier when luke or Obi-wan do it. Maybe i'm waving with the wrong hand.... or maybe im waving so much that people are distracted by my waving hand and aren't listening to the thoughts im trying to stick in their head. I've also learned that im not super-woman. Sure Jedi can jump really high in the movies, but in the movies have you ever seen a fat jedi? I think not. I certainly can't jump 30 feet in the air when im trying to slash darth-whatever with my lightsaber. Thats a cool little feature though....lightsabers.
Maybe i just need more practice - i AM kind of a lazy Jedi....I'm working on it though.

Amanda Out

Thats the last time!

2005-06-03T15:02:00.000-06:00

I'm going home this weekend.
I was supposed to leave today with Quinton, but he backed out at the last second, and broke my heart.
I'll be leaving tommorow and will still see my family, in fact its kinda working out better now that he's not coming with me, but that doesnt change the fact that he has a complete disregard for my feelings and doesnt really care about anything unless it's something that makes him happy. He doesnt know what the word sacrifice means.
And it was the last straw... how many times will i let myself be hurt by him?
I just wish it could be better, because i really do love him, i just can't be with him... I don't want to be with him.
I threw him the ball - he didn't even swing at it, and that was his third strike, now he's out.

The new place

2005-05-30T17:53:00.000-06:00

ok, now i actually have a computer again, so i dont have to write piddly little 5 line blogs.
So i moved in yesterday, and i think its going to work out just wonderfully. Its really nice to be in a place where i don't have to worry about tiptoeing in past 12, and can have friends over late. Not that i'll be doing that a whole lot anyways. I'm a trainer at work now, so thats pretty cool. its not big or anything, but it makes me feel like ive stepped up the ladder a bit. We had a contest going in our store for sandwich sales and i won... i beat the closest one behind me by 20, so i got a $30 gift certificate to the good theatre. um...i still have no results from any of my tests. i have to re-do the last EEG i had because i was coughing so much that they didn't get the good reading that they needed. the purpose of a sleep deprived EEG is so your base waves are steady, but with the constant coughing they kept jumping. everything effects your waves, even moving your eyes. i thought that was kinda neat. Im on Codine now for the pain, so im a little loopy. I try not to take it at work, but when i do, Ninja Chris has to announce to everyone that im high again. It makes work go by fast though.
um... the broncitis is better, though they sent me home an hour early today cause i was running a fever. me and quince are practically back together. i love him so much. this last month was the longest in my life. And we're going home this weekend. it'll be the first time ive seen my family in 7 months. anyways, thats about it...i hope everyone is fabulous
amanda out

a date with a ninja and bronchitis

2005-05-27T20:03:00.000-06:00

collective soul was awesome. the nija asked me to go to Star Wars with him, and i went...i don't think i'll go on anymore 'dates' with him. Jedis and ninjas don't mix. i had an EEG today (i had to stay up 24 hours before hand. I have bronchitis and am sure im going to die. My cousins grad is next weekend. Im moving this weekend. Thats about it. I think im going to die.

The brain sends its best wishes

2005-05-20T02:58:00.000-06:00

topic 1 - the brain is still fucked - another eeg is schedualed for the 27th - still no results.
topic 2 - im piss drunk right now
topic 3 - im at the ninja's house, im frightened, and feel as though im trapped in a corner and hes going to find me and poke me with his ninja pens (which have a awesome level of a5). Mike is with me and he'll protect me with his killer buddah lotus postition moves. but he is also piss drunk so i dont think he can help me.
topic 4 - collective soul tommorow = more piss drunkeness
topic 5 - piss drunkeness is bad for my brain
topic 6- my brain tumor sends its warmest regards.

im done now. carry on

The trick to overcoming The Ninja

2005-05-13T12:43:00.000-06:00

I work with a guy who claims to be a ninja. The sad thing is that i can't disprove him. He's always using his ninja-ness to do things like kill me and poke me and is invincible to almost any kind of attack i can, well, attack him with. He's actually more than 10 ninja (so he claims - but i don't believe him cause he doesnt have the shirt).
I've made the concious decison to become more powerful than his more than 10 ninjas. I've decided to finally hone in on my too long ignored Jedi abilities, and become not only 1 jedi, but more than 4 (which is five), which is way stronger than more than 10 ninja's. He still has that whole teleportation / time space condinueum thing aced, which is way more than i can do.

Plus we're going to be pirates this summer, and having more than 10 ninja's and more than 4 jedi's would mean a whole hell of a lot of pirates booty....booty, i don't think thats the right word....

On a slightly more sane note... i'll be hearing from my doctor today at aprox 4:00 central standard time, so maybe i'll get some good news for a change.

Why Brain Tumors Aren't Good

2005-05-09T14:08:00.000-06:00

The reasos, should really be pretty damn obvious. Maybe everyone doesnt really know though, so heres my helpful little list of sucky symptoms and why im not very happy right now.
#1 - persistant headaches
#2 - Vomiting in the morning (it feels like im pregnant!)
#3 - Personality changes and behavior changes
#4 - Emotional instability, rapid emotional changes
#5 - Loss of memory
#6 - Impaired calculating abilities (which sucks during cashout)
#7 - Seizures, new onset
#8 - Reduced level of consciousness (decreased alertness)
#9 - Neurologic changes
#10 - Vision changes (double vision, decreased vision)
#11 - hearing loss
#12 - Speech dificulties
#13 - decreased co-ordination (like i wasn't clumsy enough before)
#14 - Weakness and lathargy.

So yeah, i don't think it would really be that big of a deal if it wasn't for the swelling in my brain (specifically the visual cortex), cause thats the part that makes me down tylenol like crazy and makes my vision go all wacked out.
but yeah, ive been for a few more tests (another CT) and they found that the tumor was either swelling or growing. They actually cant tell me what it is yet, though i did find out for sure that it wasnt a blood clot. They're sending the tests to Toronto, to some big brain center or something. I feel pretty shitty, but if i get about 10-12 hours of sleep i can work my 8 hours, then im pretty exhausted.

thats just a little update....take care everyone

the diagnosis

2005-05-04T21:43:00.000-06:00

well people, i have recieved some good news and bad news. First the bad news. Theres a 95 percent chance i have a brain tumor. The good news : We have holographic star wars cups at 7-11.
Back to the bad news.
It turns out that my doctor found something all wonky with my MRI, so i had to get another CT scan and they found a lump in my 'visual cortex' - most likely a tumor. they aren't really sure though, so they sent it away to Toronto cause theres some big brain place hospital thingie there, so they'll look at it. If it is a tumor its probably cancer cause its grown in as little as the last 3 weeks and i'll have to go for Chemo and Radiation. In fact, it would be a very very bad thing....an almost death type thing and i might not see any of you again. So you Christian people, like pray for me or something. at this point im willing to give anything a shot.

more bad news - i don't have internet anymore so i wont be updating so often. i will again when i move in with falon though.

But yeah, im really really sick right now, but i still have a really positive attitude, and nothings gonna change that. theres good things about everything, right?

-----------------------------

2005-04-30T23:45:00.000-06:00

I've come to the conclusion that having no boyfriend has turned me into a psyco. see, he gave me a little something to focus on, but now that i don't have him to focus on, i have all the miscellanious thoughts flying around my head in no particular pattern. Its quite maddening to me (as well as my co-workers im sure). I decided i need something else to focus on (not to be confused with someONE else). Possibly i could start a stamp collection - then i could focus on getting the 1cent stamp from Liberia instead of nothing. Or i could start a flower garden with 'rare edible orchids that will bloom in 20 years. much fun!'
God! How boring would i be if i started doing that? I think going crazy and bothering people with my little rants that make no sense is much more fun than starting an arrowhead collection.

Crackheaded People

2005-04-30T15:21:00.000-06:00

Oh good times a work last night. Well as much good times that can be had when working graveyard on a friday night. Heres the short overview - only one marrige proposal
-3 invitations to make out in the washroom
-1 caught shoplifter (holy shit can vern look intimidating when he wants to)
-5 smokes given to me.
-3 guys said they love me (Only for the food! I'm not a peice of meat!!)
-1 Very liquored up me
-1 massive hangover by the end of the night (I guess that happens when you down 16 drinks of various substance within 3 hours)

i had to stay overtime...it was friking sucky...we got so far behind because of fucking sandwiches which should have been finished already. Bastards! Their all Evil Anal Dwelling Butt Monkeys!!! I'm not really sure who "they" all is, but if your reading this, feel free to include yourself, ok? don't hate me cause im beautiful, and bigger than you.
enough already!! -Amanda out!

It's FINAL!!

2005-04-28T00:18:00.000-06:00

So finally, after months and months of deliberation, me and Quince tied the knot. Im SO joking, we actually broke up. For real this time. This time its definatly final. It was a pretty mutual desision i guess. I was tired of being treated like i'm a bad habit, and he's so stuck in the way his life is and has no desire to change anything. And thats not me. i thrive on change, and thrive on spontanaity, and he thrives on plans and patterns. I mean, we're still friends, but its pretty hard to look him in the face right now. I gave all his stuff back to him, and he took his ring back, which probably hurt the most because i knew i wasn't ever going to wear it again. I actually stuck a note in the shit i gave back to him, and part of it said, if he ever wanted to get back with me, he would have to try to win my heart back, and maybe (MAYBE), i would trust him enough again to give it back. Its pretty pathetic though - I've lost all sense of self with him. I have no idea the person i am anymore, he compleatly defined me. Even my nickname from my roomates is "the one with the boyfriend". GRRRRR.
It comes down to the fact that he wasnt in my cards and though he did have a place before, it would end. literally...my friend Falon did a tarot card reading on me, and though ive never tried/believed in those things before, what was read was amazing. It was my life there, on the 10 freaking cards. Its turned me into a believer.
Its cool though...im gonna play it single for a while, and then i'll play the field, because i know that somewhere out there, their is a decent guy...not that quince wasn't decent...its just that we were so different when it really came down to it. Its all good though...i actually feel more free now than i have in a long time...my heart kinda feels like shit right now, and i feel like someone hit me with a sledgehammer in the stomach, but it really wasn't a suprise...i knew this would happen for at least a month now....cant blame me for trying though....
All i have to say now is , look out boys...im back. (im SUCH a nerd!)

To quinton

2005-04-26T00:24:00.000-06:00

Goodnight to the stars

I fall apart

Where are the peices of this tired heart?

A glass of wine brings to mind

theres a point where i draw the line

between want and love

and hope and trust,

What i want to do, and what i must

So, Cut it out!

I break it down,

If you love me, then love me now

I kept the faith of us alive in me

boy your good at breaking dreams

so off you go to play your crazy show

I'll sit here and watch the snow

thank you for letting me know

the difference between

you and me

who we are

and who we have to be

i'll learn to live with whatever life gives

I'm sick of taking your stupid tips

Life pulls us along

where do i belong?

Someday i'll fly

fly far from here

but the memory of you will always be near

straight up I loved

straight down i fell

life pulls me along

i found where i belong

Blahblahblah

2005-04-22T15:12:00.000-06:00

So i had that EEG thingie done yesterday morning, and it was like the coolest thing. It took like 2 hours, but the doctor was just great. She starts off explaining how things will be done, then she takes a marker and starts drawing X's all over my scalp....thats so she knows where to put the electrode thingies. Then he takes this exfoliant and rubs all the X.s (aparently so the electrodes will stick better) and then takes these wires with 25 metal disks at the end, covers them with goop and sticks them to my scalp. I could see all my brain waves and stuff on the computer screen. I was really cool, cause whenever i yawned/opened my eyes/moved a muscle, one of the waves would jump. I had to lay in bed for like an hour with my eyes closed, so that sucked.
Something was wrong though....she called another doctor in and they looked at my brain for a bit...pointed at the screen, and talking in their special doctor language....all i picked out was there was a lesion (something abnormal)....they don't know what, it takes like 2 weeks for the results to get back.
When she took off the electrodes it was cool, cause she just tugged on the wires so it had the feeling like she pulled my scalp off. It didn't hurt or anything, it was just this really weird feeling.

I'm MOVING (again!). All my roomates are taking off so i am to. I'm moving in with the wonderfully superb Falon, super bitch herself (an her boyfriend). Its gonna be so nice to finally be in a place that i can smoke in, have friends over later than 10:30, and have a drink if i want to. Falon is just the greatest....its gonna be really nice to live with a friend.

Amanda Out -

Emergency room trip # 87

2005-04-17T15:21:00.000-06:00

The Scenerio : Graveyard shift friday at work. Working with the wonderfully awesome vern....king of everything. 2:30 am - He asks if i wanna go for a smoke. I look at him and black out and wake up with him standing over top of me saying "Amanda! Amanda! Are you ok? Your scaring me!"

Turns out i wasnt ok. I kept almost fainting, so i called Quince (my knight in shining armor). It was funny....all i said is "I need to go to the hospital." and he was like, "Ok, bye". and was there in like 5 minutes.

I immediatly got my own room and bed, which is pretty amazing. Then came the bloodwork and the questions, and the i.v and more bloodwork, and an e.c.g, and more tests, and a visit from the head neurologist, and blah blah blah..... im so weak and shaking and confused and was so upset, that quince stayed right by my side like the whole time. Well untill 7:00 am when i sent him home cause he was passing out in the chair beside me. I was in the hospital like 7 more hours waiting for my C.T scan and test results anyways.

The outcome : I had a seizure. I think thats kinda something serious. Their calling me back to do a brain wave scanny thingie to test me for epilepsy. That really sucks. But i know somethings pretty wrong... I can't remember things, and i've started to stutter and blank out every once in a while. Plus i'm kinda walking with a limp and am so friking weak. I slept for 12 hours last night and woke up just as exhausted as i was going to bed. Work is really good though....their letting me take a few days off.
So thats my bad news. Pretty shitty.

fricking wind, staff charge, and funky dream

2005-04-15T06:13:00.000-06:00

ok, funny story - i was working graveyards tonight. Tonight was stormy. the wind was gusting like 80km/h. Me and vern are going to go out for a smoke when suddenly he gets this funny look on his face and points out the window. I look and see one of our signs rolling towards freedom out in the parking lot. I immediatly put on this heroic act, and yell "I'LL SAVE YOU!!" and run outside in the blowing snow, my feet getting soaked from the puddles, and chase this freaking sign all over the parking lot. It almost got away, but i'm quick dammit! Other sign precceeded to fly away, but we didn't really care anymore....it was inevitable.... The wind just took them, much like it took part of Spiffy's siding, and various branches and paraphinalia. And then retard Randy comes in in the morning, and just stands in front of the door like usual (he really is retarded and he's in the store for about 1.5 hours ever morning waiting for his bus), and points and laughs at the door every times it swings open from the wind. It wasn't really funny when the door really did fly off its hinges and tried to escape like the signs....luckily vern and some macho macho man caught it and locked it into place before it smashed to peices.
And my frigging staff charge was like $150 this time. No bloody way am i letting my stupid friends put things on there anymore.
Oh! My weird dream last night. I dreamed that it was my wedding. I was getting married to quince (woohooo), and Jenna S was like my only attendant (why did i pick her in my dream? What the frick?). So the Dum Dum Da DAAA.... Dum Duh DA DA music comes on and then i look down at my dress and it was covered with blood. I had gotten a bleeding nose. So jennas running all over to get a bigger bouquet of flowers so i can hold them in front of me so the blood wouldn't show....then i was walking down the isle with my nose still bleeding! What the heck kinda premonition is that? frick!

Well thats all for now....time for bed!

To *****

2005-04-12T00:08:00.000-06:00

I see the confusion that festers inside

fueling all your fake false pride

but only leaves a growing hole

And i know how you must feel defiled

for that life i was a poster child

a body without a soul.

And they are people on their knees praying

they don't know what the fuck their saying

God doesn't heal the pain

The answers only found in you

you know the shit that you've gone through

and you'll know where the answer lays

If you ever feel your at the end

I'll always be here to be your friend

to the sadness don't succumb

cause at the dawn of the long dark night

you'll wake up to see the light

and know how far you've come

I'm so proud of him

2005-04-11T01:45:00.000-06:00

He's just so strong sometimes.
Sometimes when it seems like it would be enough to just crawl under the blankets and die, he just keeps pushing forwards.
Sometimes when any other person would just give up he doesnt.
Sometimes when anyone else would resort to drinking themselves stupid, he doesnt.
He looks at things differently, through eyes that seem sheltered even though they really arent.
Sometimes he seems so innocent even though he's experianced things i never have.
Sometimes he's just so brave and able to face things a lot better than i could.
Sometimes i just want to hold him to me and tell him that its ok to be sad, that its ok to cry, that its ok to feel angry and be hurt.
Sometimes when i look into his eyes and see all the hurt it makes my heart break and want to anything that could make it better.
Sometimes i feel like i could kill for him...

More little (but big to me) news

2005-04-07T12:22:00.000-06:00

#1 - (and by farthest the coolest) - I got a tattoo. I went with my friend falon from work to tantrix on saturday. It's sanskrit writing that says 'strength on the inside of my right wrist. Falons is sanskrit writing that says 'uninhibited' on the top of her left wrist. It really cool because we wanted to go for a tattoo, and the night the i broke up with quince and was over there, we picked out words that we thought best described each other and that was that. so i think im gonna be remembering falon for a very long time considering that was my first tattoo and she picked out the name.
#2. I got another $.25 raise at work. Yeah for me. Now im almost making as much as my boyfriend is at the job he's been at for 3 years. Muahh ha ha.
#3. Todays the big staff meeting at work and im really really scared....i don't know why, but i am...

smile

2005-04-06T12:41:00.000-06:00

Its all good. Me and Quince are all good. It just took a bit of realization that sometimes i only think from my point of view and don't see things his way. so i tried seeing things his way, and what i saw was a girlfriend that wasn't happy with him at all and not telling him why so he's just getting more and more confused.

we went to karaoke last night at crackers with allan. i sang Landslide by the Dixie Chicks and Best of my Love by The Eagles, (only by downing a couple vodka paralyzers beforehand) and then i tried for the night to make him feel a little more comfortable and appreciated. Then we dropped allan off at home and went to Olympias (where the waitress knows i always have lemon in my water) and had a really good talk. I told him my point of view and how i was feeling, and how it would be nice if once in a while he could do something to make me feel appreciated and special.
The reason that he hasnt (and he told me this) is that he's never had a girlfriend before so he doesnt really know what to do to make me feel special. But he told me that he would really really try and thats whats important.
Now im starting to remember why i love him again.

sigh

2005-04-05T00:07:00.000-06:00

so quince and me spit last week. It was only for 20 hours then we got back together.

now im stuck

I'm so friking confused...its like i don't know if it was a smart thing or not getting back together. but on the other hand, we didn't really have a real reason to break up. we had a disagreement and it just kinda happened.

but now i'm really confused. I've been so sketched out around him lately, its not even funny. I feel uncomfortable when he touches me, i don't really like kissing him, and its like my libido has up and died. But i think the reason for that is because when we did break up, i immediatly put up a wall between us so he wouldn't be able to hurt my feelings. and now the wall isn't coming down. Of course he hasn't done a whole lot in helping either.

Its like, he didn't really seem upset when we broke up. like it wasnt really that big of a deal to him. and now that we're sorta together again he's liking to pretend that everything is normal and going on its lovely way again. and it isn't. maybe he would like to think so, but it isn't for me. he did a lot of damage to my self esteem, and now its like i'm having a really hard time believing him when he say's nice things to me (which isn't even that often anymore).

but thats not whats upsetting me most today.

I have two days off, and i wanna go home. i havent seen my family since the beginning of december. i havent talked to them or anything and i miss them more than i could ever explain in a blog. I think thats why ive been really moody lately - i need my mom. quince has a day off too, and i was hoping that he would be able to take me for the day. i offered to pay for gas money and everything. i would go on my own except a) i don't have a vehicle b) even if i took the bus i would still spend half the day walking around north battleford to get to my mom and grandma. He's not going to take me for the reason that 'we just almost broke up. its just too much right now.' too much what? Give me a real reason buddy.

ya know, when most couples get into a fight they try to make it better. ya know, like try to make the other person happy again. Its like he doesn't give two shits about how i feel. it really is....theres so much more i could write about, but wont. its really frustrating because i would do anything for him, and if the situation was switched, i wouldn't think twice about doing something like that for him. something that i know would make him so happy. but he couldn't be inconvieninced with doing something like that for me - the girl that he's dated for almost 8 months.

i love him.... i really do. i love him so much. but lately, i've been forgeting why i love him. and he's not doing anything to help me remember.

The Sickness in the world

2005-03-29T21:45:00.000-06:00

Here are some really sickening facts for you all to digest.

Fact #1: 17.6 % of women in the United States have survived a completed or attempted rape. Of these, 21.6% were younger than age 12 when they were first raped, and 32.4% were between the ages of 12 and 17.

Fact #2: 64% of women who reported being raped, physically assaulted, and/or stalked since age 18 were victimized by a current or former husband, cohabiting partner, boyfriend, or date.

Fact #3: The FBI estimates that only 37% of all rapes are reported to the police. U.S. Justice Department statistics are even lower, with only 26% of all rapes or attempted rapes being reported to law enforcement officials.

Fact #4: Men perpetrate the majority of violent acts against women.

Fact #5: Every 90 seconds, somewhere in America, someone is sexually assaulted.

Fact #6: Most perpetrators know their victims. According to the 2000 National Crime Victimization Survey, 62% of rape and sexual assault victims knew the perpetrator. More than 40% of rapes and sexual assaults came at the hands of a person the female victim called a friend or acquaintance. Female victims identified intimate partners as the perpetrator in 18% of rapes and sexual assaults.

Fact #7: In 2001, only 39% of rapes and sexual assaults were reported to law enforcement officials - about one in every three.

Fact #8: Sexual violence victims exhibit a variety of psychological symptoms that are similar to those of victims of other types of trauma, such as war and natural disaster (National Research Council 1996). A number of long-lasting symptoms and illnesses have been associated with sexual victimization including chronic pelvic pain; premenstrual syndrome; gastrointestinal disorders; and a variety of chronic pain disorders, including headache, back pain, and facial pain (Koss 1992).Between 4% and 30% of rape victims contract sexually transmitted diseases as a result of the victimization.

Fact #9: In 2000, nearly 88,000 children in the United States experienced sexual abuse.

Fact #10: About 81% of rape victims are white; 18% are black; 1% are of other races.

Fact #11: Females ages 12 to 24 are at the greatest risk for experiencing a rape or sexual assault.

Fact #12: Boys who witness their fathers' violence are 10 times more likely to engage in spouse abuse in later adulthood than boys from non-violent homes.

Fact #13: Somewhere in America a woman is battered, usually by her intimate partner, every 15 seconds.

Fact #14: Globally, at least one in three women and girls had been beaten or sexually abused in her lifetime.

Fact #15: In Canada, 62% of women murdered in 1987 died at hands of an intimate male partner.

Stop Violence Against Women

You can help

Where the heck do i start?

2005-03-27T15:45:00.000-06:00

Cripes, its been an eventful long weekend. I think i'll work the stories backwards and tell the best one last.

So last night was Wonderland - a one hit wonder band. They played at the roxy and do a lot of kick ass 80's songs like georgia sattellites, blue suede....i'm to tired to remember names of other ones. I went with quince, my friend allan, and gabe. we had a few drinks, we danced, we partied, it was great. Then they had a contest where they played a song and you had to guess who sang it - it was "hooked on a feeling" by blue suede - and quinton knew it so he told me and i won a jagermister wrist band, and vodka t-shirt, and 4 concert tickets to an upcoming show at the roxy. so it was a good night....in fact it was a great night.

The night before (friday) i went out with falon and Christine (two girls from work) (quince tagged along too) and we went to whiskey jacks, and danced had way to many drinks and ended up going my work across the street and attacking vern with falon. Verns the greatest...me and falon fight over who likes him better all the time (both of us have boyfriends by the way). I had to work at 10 am the next day and holy shit was i hung over. i had way to many.... bleck

Then thursday night i worked graveyard with vern. It was friking busy for most of the night cause it was the long weekend, but like always, it calmed down after 3- 3:30. Anyways, we had a really bad scare. at about 4:am this girl comes running into our store crying and talking on her cell phone to a friend. we could overhear her conversation and i caught that she had been at a party at this coke dealers house (she's only 15 by the way), and he was trying to get her drunk and do coke and she wouldn't. He tried locking her in his bedroom and when he went to the washroom or something, she got out, stole some of his money and ran to our store. now anyone who know anything knows you don't steal money from a coke dealer, ESPECALLY the largest coke dealer in stoon. so me and vern are looking at each other like 'what the frick do we do.' and he ends up calling her a cab. so this girl is freaking out on her cell yelling that hes gonna come after her and kill her and how she's so scared. then suddenly she starts screaming he head off and scares the hell outta me. she comes running towards me and yells, "He's here! You gotta hide me!! He's going to kill me!! help! help!" and i look and theres this mean looking paki guy at the front door looking mean and looking right at the girl. so i freak out and run her to the staff washroom and tell her to lock herself in. she wanted me to stay in there with her, but i told her that i wouldn't let anything happen to her. Vern calls 911, and the guy takes off, but frick was it scary. I thought we were all going to die. I thought he was going to take out a gun and kill us. The really scarey thing is that he got a really good look and verns and my face. we recognized him too....he always comes into our store (he only lives right across the street). The girl ended up talking to the police, catching a cab home, and the night was normal enough after that. the joys of working graveyard at sev....

I am not a pretty girl

2005-03-24T18:06:00.000-06:00

I am not a pretty girl.

That is not what i do.

I ain't no damsel in distress

and i don't need to be rescued,

so put me down punk!

maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair?

isn't their a kitten stuck up in a tree somewhere?

I am not an angry girl,

but its seems like i've got everyone fooled.

Everytime i say something they find hard to hear

they chalk it up to my anger

and never to their own fear.

and imagine your a girl

just trying to finally come clean

knowing full well they'd prefer you

were dirty and smiling.

And i am sorry that i am

not a maiden fair

i am not a kitten stuck up in a tree somewhere

and generally my generation

wouldn't be caught dead working for the man

and generally i agree with them

trouble is you gotta have youself an alternate plan

and i have earned my disillusionment

i have been working all of my life

and i am a patriot

i have been fighting the good fight

and what if there are no damsels in distress

what if i knew that and i called your bluff?

don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down

whether or not you ever show up

i am not a pretty girl

i don't want to be a pretty girl

no i want to be more than a pretty girl

~Ani Difranco~

The song thats been stuck on repeat ever since Eva sent it to me. Thanks babe

There's a new #1!

2005-03-23T15:08:00.000-06:00

It must be said. Quinton's mom is now officially my most favorite Woman over 30. She's in the new #1, followed closely by Eve Eslinger and Winnie Schultz (It must be understood before-hand that my mom and my Grandma are above top 10 lists. They rule above everyone). Seriously though, he has the coolest parents i've ever encoutered. Both must be pushing 60, but they are seriously like the coolest people ever. The like AC/DC and all the killer hard rock bands that we like. There's a picture of Quince when he's like 3 years old, holding drums stick and this skull at like a Motley Crue concert. Anyways, other reasons that she's my favorite #1 is because she offered to to my taxes, and file my return. She would teach me how to do while doing it. She invites me over for suppoer like all the time, and whenever quince is sleeping or at work and i call, we'll talk on the phone and chat. She has never-ending advice for me, and is always explaining Quinces more anoying little quirks. She's helped me have patience with him so much. Plus his dad, oh his dad. He told my friend Allan when they went out for a smoke one day that he thinks me and quince are a perfect match, "its almost like I set them up myself!" His parents go to california every year and go on all the crazy rides. They've invited me up to the cabin this summer for a week with them. Their family is so close, and the great thing is, that in a few years i can see myself happily entering that tight-knit family circle myself. There's a million more reasons why quinces mom is the coolest, but its so hard to explain.... its just the person that she is. I think her kids are so lucky to have grown up with her as a role model. Anyways, peace out!
~Amanda~

The Final Countdown

2005-03-22T00:13:00.000-06:00

Thank you Terrin for getting that freaking song stuck in my head for the last 2 days. It was so stuck that i had to download it and put it on repeat. And, if Chris (cool chris) is going to do your wedding (he's a monk, or preist, or whatever), then i will do your funeral (i'm one to), and will of course play the Final Countdown (DO do DOOO do, DO do DO DO DOOOOO, DO do DO DOOOO, Do do DO DO DOOOOO).
On the other side of thing, Everyone at work is a crack head and my boyfriend is going to be thrown in the deep fryer. He was supposed to pick me up from work and didn't. I can understand that he maybe forgot (thats fogiveable), but then i found out that he did remember, he just decided to hang out with some other friends and go to a movie without letting me know (forgiveable, only if the appology comes with a dozen roses). The Allan and I invited him to got for coffee tonight but he said that he would rather stay at home (hence him being thrown in the deep fryer).

BOYS ARE REALLY REALLY DUMB SOMETIMES

News flash of the century huh? I was already pissed off at work, and then him forgetting about me made it even worse. I will not repeat what i was saying, but he might get an earful of it tommorow. But i must give a shout out to the wonderful people at work for trying to cheer me up ("Have you heard of the powerful saving grace of my Lord?!") ("The final Countdown!!)

Good times friends, Good times!

Eva's brain is the size of Neptune

2005-03-22T00:09:00.000-06:00

Let me start out by saying I know nothing about HTML or templates or anything that has anything to do with making my blog look cool. In fact, before Eva, it was pretty stinking sad. But then to the great happiness of me, Eva volenteered to fix my horrible looking blog type sadness. And the horrible mess that i made of the template. Thank you Eva, and as always, you remain my Hero.

~Amanda~

This is how i know i'm in love...

2005-03-18T15:08:00.000-06:00

Me and Quinton had the 'heart to heart' discussion. The one where ALL the skeletons come out of the closet. Where you share your deepest darkest, most hurtful secrets. Where, as your telling the other person these things, you expect them to pick up the closest, hardest object they can find to hurl at your head because they're just that disgusted. *sigh*

Quinton knew i was hiding something from him, just as i knew that he was hiding something big from me. I wont share the greusome details with you or anything, but telling him what i did was probably the hardest thing i've ever done. I thought my secret was the secret to top off all secrets and nothing anyone could do would be worse. When it's your own life, it always seems worse than it really is. And when i finally spit out what i had to say, i was shaking like a leaf and sweating bullets. I looked up into his eyes, expecting so see nothing but hard condemnation, and he suprised the crap out of me but smiling, and telling me how proud he was of me for being able to tell him that. He had nothing but love for me, when other people would have nothing but hate. And from that, i know that he truly loves me in a way i never thought i would be loved.

Then he told me his secret.

It felt like i had swallowed a bowling ball. It felt like my heart was going to rip from my chest. I was in shock. I was so in shock that i had to get out of the car and walk around the parking lot for a second for fear i would faint. Then i looked up into the dark, wintery sky, crawled back into the car, took his head in my hands and looked him in the eyes and told him "I still love you, baby. Nothing you can do will make me love you any less, because i know the wonderful person you are." And when i said that, and looked back into his tear-filled eyes, i knew at that moment that what i said was true. I knew that i would love him forever, and that he had my heart, and nothing would change that. I was the most significant step in our relationship that we've taken, and now we understand each other so much better.

Even thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes. I'm so blessed to have him.

"All my thoughts on God"

2005-03-14T15:05:00.000-06:00

Eva and I were messaging each other on MSN, trying to think of topics to blog about, and Eva had the genious idea that we would give each other topics to talk about. I highly recommend checking Eva out. Her idea was (as you can see), all my thoughts on God (which is part of a lyric from a dishwalla song). This could take a while........ here we go!

If I was to write every thought i've had on God, i would be sitting at my computer for the rest of my life. The shorter abbreviated version of my thoughts is something a little shorter.

The truth, and i mean the absolute truth, is when i think about God, i get this pain in what feels like my heart. Its the same feeling I get when me a Quince are having a fight, like this pressure thats going to make my heart explode. This intense dissapointment that makes it hard to swallow. Anyone that knows me, knows that 'my hearts not right with God'. Its no big secret. But also, people know that i'm not a sad, messed up, alcoholic, drug addicted person. In fact i'm pretty happy, or at least that's what everyone see's. I've reached a point where all my thoughts on God are pretty jumbled and i don't really know how to sort them out, or rather, i DO know how i'm supposed to sort them out, i just don't want to do it that way.

The answer? Accept Christ all over again as my personal Lord and Savior. But what does that mean? Going to Church, and trying to find a church that isn't to cliqueish or snobish to let me in. Christians frighten me. God doesn't frighten me... I've had a fearful respect for him, but was never as afraid of him as i was of his 'followers'. But thats not true with everyone. There's lots of Christians that i have a lot of respect for, like eva and terrin for example. They're REAL people, they're nice, they aren't snobs (at least not to me), and they have good taste in music, Which is very important to me.

But i'm not supposed to be writing about Christians or church. Back to God.

I used to be very mad a God when I was younger. I blamed him for my mom's sickness, and my dad's death, and all the other horrible things that happened to me when i was young and impressionable. I'm not mad at him anymore, i'm still not pleased that i had to go through all those things, but i recognize that they, in fact, did make me stronger, and i wouldn't be the understanding person i am today without experiancing all that pain. I do thank him for giving me the strength to make it through my teenage years.

Now that my life is seemingly on track, and things are going good, i can also recognize that the good things in my life have come from His hand. My awesome Christian Roomates, the boyfriend who treats me better than anyone ever has, the best Job i've ever had, and the amazing friends that love me and accept me for who i am. My life is as stable as it ever has been. But i know theres a peice missing.

The thing that i have trouble accepting is that if i was to make the concious decision to have a personal relationship with God, i would have to give up some of the things that i'm absolutly not willing to. Like quince, i love him sooo much, but he's not a 'christian'. He's the most wonderful man i've ever had the privelage of knowing, and that fact that he loves me just as much as i love him, is enough to blow my brains. I would never give him up for anything! But he's not a Christian, and the whole unequally yoked thing.....how would that work. Also, music. My concerts, my going to see my bands and have a few drinks and shake in on the dance floor. Thats one of my absolute favorite things to do that ive ever discovered. Theres also the whole no sex till marrige thing. We won't even go there.

I know its called sacrifice, but God, when i can't even see you or feel you, its hard to make the choice to give up all the great things i feel i have. I honestly don't know where i would be going if i were to die. I'm not a bad person, and it makes me mad to think that you wouldn't accept me or quince the way we are. I can't help but resent you for that. You can see into my heart, your supposed to know me better than anyone else, but i can't help but feel like you don't understand me. I know the empty feeling is from you, but if i were to give up parts of the life that i have now, i would feel just as empty if not more empty. Why can't things just be like this?

*sigh*

I've started to kinda believe in Karma. I mean, its kinda the same principle as Christianity. Do good things, get good things. Do stupid things, get a swift kick in the ass. It works to, it really does. I especially notice it at work. If i do something nice for someone, it will work out that someone else does a favor to help me out. If your a nice person, people are going to like you. And people like me.

In conclusion, i know God exists, and i know he tries to work things for our favor, i just don't know how much our life really needs to be impacted by him. Can people just be good people without him. Alot of the condeming giberish ive heard in sermons, i can not and WILL NOT swallow. Some of the "Christians" i've known, have been the worst people in my life. They've done things that any decent non Christian wouldn't have done. Some of the pastors at the churches i've gone to haven't given to shits about me or my friends, and everyone is so frickin CLIQUISH!!! But like i said earlier, thats not everyone. If christians could just be a little more real, then maybe i could believe the whole religion thing a little better.

Theres a song by poison called "give me something to believe in". I just need it to be real, and like i said before, even when i first became a Christian, it felt like some sort of sick game with heaven being the trophy. I don't hold it against God, i just think that people messed up big time for what he planned for things to be.

"Jesus loves me this I know,

for the bible tells me so

little ones to him belong

they are weak but he is strong..."

Men are Babies

2005-03-08T16:27:00.000-06:00

I discovered something... Something that will change the way i percieve things forever. Men Love to be Babied. Oh, they wont admit it! They'll deny it to the absolute end. I discovered this a couple days ago (with allans help, and to the absolutly horror of my boyfriend), but really, i've seen the clues for years and just never realized it

ex.1 : My college boys (Debo, Paul, Stephen, A-Mac). They found that puppy dog eyes worked with me, and they exploited it to the end, To do rediculously small stupid things. Like grabbing another milk in the caff, picking up something off the floor, going up to the girls dorm to wake a girlfriend, etc, etc... And i would do it....because i'm a sucker and seeing the poor inocent expressions on those boys was enough to melt my heart. But no more! I know the puppy dog eye secret....you play on womens maternal instincs. Well, i've seen some puppy dog eyed men do some pretty horrible things, so i know you aren't as inocent as you seem.

ex. 2 : Quinton and me were sitting on his bed and he started to push me off, so of course, if i'm going down, he's coming with me. When he fell though, he smacked his head, not hard or anything, but enough to put this stunned little expression on his face. He immediatly crumpled up his face, and squinched up his eyes like only he can do, and let out this pittiful little heartbraeking cry, that just tore my heart in two (even though I knew he wasn't hurt), and immediatly drew him close to me, and kissed his forehead and stroked his hair. And then I caught a look at his face......Him smiling, in all his glory, just happy to be fussed over like a little baby. So i pushed him away and gave him the 'oh reeeaaally' look, then his face crumpled up all over again, and that was the moment that i realized that men are babies.

My friend Allan loves getting hugs, in fact, he won't let me say goodbye untill he gets one. He also loves me rubbing his back. Lorne still sometimes gives me the puppy eyes (though he's exploited it waaay to often), and quince will do almost anything to get a little extra affection. I know i can't stereotype every man this way, but in theory, i think its very very true

Am I Hollow?

2005-03-03T23:41:00.000-06:00

*sigh*

I wouldn't have ever thought so. My life is going fairly fabulously right now. Sure, i'm suffering from an almost incuralbe amount of winter boredom, but with the weather we had today (+5), and the fact that Men Without Shame are coming tommorow, i should be almost cured right? Then theres also the fact that i'm going to be a world famous rock star (well, not quite) that set me in a cheery mood.

So why do i feel kinda sad?

I'm not even going to pretend that i'm a 'real' Christian anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still believe in God, and Christ, and all that jazz... But there's also a lot of stuff that i just can't swallow. I mean, even from the very begining for me, it felt fake. It felt like i was given a script that i was supposed to follow, and if you memorize the lines good enough and can do a good performance at the end, you'll get a standing ovation at the pearly gates.

I was talking to an old friend yesterday, and he's a hard core Christian guy, and he asked me if i still go to church and i said i didn't. He made such a big deal out of it, like it was the end of the world. He didn't even listen about all the wonderfuly awesome things that are going good in my life. I felt so guilty about it....guilty, NOT convicted.... and that just seems to be the 'Christian' way. No fun with no guilt feelings --> Just like that alanis song goes,

'We all had delusions in our head

We all had our minds made up for us

We all had to believe is something

so we did.'

My life feels more real right now than it ever has before, and i'm being smarter than i ever have before, and im not in my usual neck-high amount of shit i used to get myself into. Why can't that be good enough. I don't get it, i really don't. Help me out... if something huge was missing, wouldn't i feel hollow?

Amanda The Rockstar!

2005-03-03T13:55:00.000-06:00

This is like the coolest thing that has happened to me in Forever!!!

I went to quinces guitar lesson with him last night, and him and his teacher were practicing a song that he's doing for his recital, and they asked me to hop on drums and just give them a simple beat to keep time. so i did. no problem. i can play drums a bit and can keep a beat.

Then his teacher asked if i would play for them at the recital.

HOW INCREADABLY COOL IS THAT?

I mean, who doesnt dream about rocking it out in front of a crowd at least once in their life, and now i have the chance.

Its seriously like the coolest thing that quince and i could do as a couple.

We're both music freaks, and though he's more talented at playing than i am,

i can play decent to, but being able to even just jam together is like something

we never even dreamed about

let alone performing together.

Frikin' Right On!!

A Decieving Snowbank

2005-02-26T14:15:00.000-06:00

(This is a poem i had wrote about a former guy friend i used to have. It was at this point that i honestly believed there wasn't one decent man out there) (how things can change for the better)

All the tiny ripples in the lightly frosted snow

reminds me of a man, that i think i used to know.

Unever imperfections are just a tiny part

of the entire landscape that is a work of art

And underneath the ice crystals and the hardened top

is a field of pure white snow that to touch is cool and soft.

But some things don't meet the eye,

some things you can't see,

and that certain somethings all the dirt thats underneath.

And even though the snowbanks

to the eye look tall and bold,

just don't forget that inside

its still very very cold.

Then the spring time comes, and you look all around,

and that fresh white beauty is no where to be found.

I fell into his snowbank and it chilled me to the bone,

now all the snow has melted

and i'm in this mud alone.

Stuck in a life i just can't get out of

2005-02-21T23:40:00.000-06:00

Seriously...... why?

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Why do things get so predictable. There's nothing exciting in my life....theres things that i pretend to be excited about, but i'm really not... Theres people in my life that have lost all appeal to me....i'm stuck in the same old routine day after fucking day, and it absolutly makes me sick!!
I get up around noon...have a shower, watch passions, talk to friends on MSN, get ready for work, go to work, quince picks me up, and we either go to his place and play guitar or watch a 'dvd' or go hang out with Allan...and even when we hang out with Allan its still doing the same old things. My life has become so predictable.... the only things that ever get me excited anymore is going to concerts, or doing something i've never done before (even something small like going to a new coffee shop)... and Quinton is stuck in the same routine.... i feel like i hardly have fun with him anymore.... don't get me wrong...i love the guy very much, but everything feels so blah.

I miss things that used to be...

I miss going out with my sister every weekend and having tons of guys hit on me, and me giving them the cold shoulder. I miss playing shiney with the guys from college. I miss going out for wings at Kelsey's on tuesdays. I miss living with lisa and waking up at 3am and hudling on the couch cause we're scared shitless of a huge thunderstorm. I miss cruising around the city with Lorne, and me holding on to the dashboard for dear life cause he's driving so recklessly. I miss living in my own place and being able to crank my music, have friends over no matter what time it is, and being able to throw a temper tantrum (and throw my books around the living room without anyone seeing). I miss subway dates with Eva. I miss the excitment of moving to a new city and only knowing 2 people. I miss living with bec and listening to Norah Jones and Jonny Lang while drawing dozens of charcaol pics. I miss taking long walks by the river and just watching people and taking in the beauty of everything. I miss hanging out with allan everyday, and never having a plan but always finding something to do. I miss writing poems that i would never let anyone read. I miss taking a fresh canvas and covering it with paint, making a pic that no one would be able to make sense outta but me. I miss going to the farm with Lorne and working on his car with him. I miss the excitment of the first kiss with Quince. I miss my mom. I miss going to girly movies by myself. I miss cleaning Lorne and Charmaines place in exchange for a decent meal. I miss the adrenaline rush of living in a different place every couple months. I miss living with Laura and vegging and watching Pirates of the Caribean a million times. I miss playing street hockey with my cousin. I miss living in Dorm and comforting bec when she has a breakdown night and her doing the same for me. I miss being younger and not having to worry about power bills, phone bills, heating bills, rent, visa payments, etc etc... I miss my friends i used to work with. I miss going to camp and having dozens of people come up to me and hug me and say how much they missed me. I miss the person i used to be, because i feel like i don't really know the person that i am, or am becoming to be. And its really frustrating. I don't know what i want or who i want to be, or how to become that person.... All i want is a little possitive change......

I know i can't get back all the things that used to be.....but there are some that i can....

I just need to get part of my life back. I love quinton so much, but it feels like my life has become 'our lives' and i depend on him to much for my happyness and when he lets me down it feel like my whole world is collapsing.... I used to pride myself in not needing anyone...to be able to rely on myself for all my needs....but i need quince....not to keep me happy, but just to be there and share my life....not take over my life, but add to it.

i think i need some time to rediscover the person that i am.

Quince

2005-02-17T18:11:00.000-06:00

Man, where do i start?

......

Valentines day + Boyfriend = really good!

Quince is such a sweetheart....sometimes he can be pretty dense (but all men are), but on valentines day, he was just his wonderful sweet self. A couple day's before we went ring shopping.....and we found the most beautiful 'promise' ring. yellow gold with a cluster of 4 diamonds on a raised dias, and then 3 tiny diamonds going down both sides of the band.

i finally got it yesterday....i had to wait for it to be sized....i didn't think i was gonna get it untill today but he had picked it up and suprised me with it......and he finally got his car yesterday. then this weekend we MAY be going home.....not for sure yet.....but it would be our 6 month aniversary, so we want to get a hotel with waterslides and stuff.....we could both really use a weekend away from everything. oh well, i 'm not allowed to be dissapointed with him when he just put a ring on my finger. i guess it kinda looks like an engagment ring though.

and today he's taking me to his work so we can clean up his car and put some decals and stuff on....and so all his work buddies can finally meet me - the vampire girlfriend who leaves new hickies on him every week. Yikes!

Work is ok..... i had a friend that quit, so that kinda sucks, but her (christine), falon, and me are going to have a girls night and go get liquored up without our men. And God know' s when the three of us get together....well......yeah, anyways.....

other than that....theres not a lot left to say....except that im fricking broke and if we do go away this weekend, im going to be very very poor for the next couple weeks.

What the Frick?

2005-02-07T05:35:00.000-06:00

Good heavens, life can sure wipe its ass with you!

So heres the story.... in marginally pointish form....

I got into a fight with quince....got pissed off and left his house at 1:30 am to walk home (home is some 20 blocks away).... i took a shortcut through a park (BIG mistake), and some guy came outta nowhere and asked me for money. I said i didn't have any, then he grabbed my throat (AUGHH), so automatic response is to slug the guy in the face (2nd BIG mistake). I piss off the 250 lb native guy with a psyco long ponytail and he back hands me, knocks me to the ground, kicks me in the face and continues to pound the shit outta me. Oh yeah, i thought i was dead. I think he knocked me out for a few seconds, cause the next thing i remember was getting up and running away... i don't even know if the guy was still around, i didn't really stop and look. I ran untill i thought i was gonna die (again) then fell into a snowbank (again, thinking i was gonna freeze to death and die). So i get home, fall exhaused into bed, wake up, look in the mirror at my black and blue face and split up lip, and think "Frick, not again", cause believe it or not, this is not the first time this has happened.

that was a week ago. that was sucky.

So i spent a couple day's moping around, feeling sorry for myself (and yes, i did call the cops the next day), untill i talked to a friend, realized that it wasn't really my fault, and got over it. I just thought it was crazy. It really sucked in one way, but in another way it was good, because now Quince is really protective over me. The things he said were crazy...he's not a big guy, but he said "if i was with you, that guy wouldn't of been walking again" .... not a Quinton thing to say....he's more of a lover than a fighter. He's treated me like Gold ever since though. I think he realized just how much he really does love me.

Next story (just a little one)...

I was over at quinces last night till like 5:30am....we were getting ready to leave, and realized the van was stuck. All the noise we were making woke up his mom, who came out to help us (in her nightgown)...but when she was going inside, she slipped on the wet floor and cracked her head on the heat register....so im feeling all guilty like its my fault because i shouldn't of been over there that late and that wouldn't of happened, so today i bought her a bouquet of flowers. She thought they were nice, but both mr. & Mrs J thought that it was very unnesicary, and then proceded to invite me over for supper. They're very sweet....im definaltly going to like having them as in-laws....

Which brings me to story #3....

Quinton bought a car today....a 2002, midnight blue, (frick, i forget what it is!), something or another... A really nice car.....but get this....he's already calling it 'our car' ...a nice 'family car', one that 'we'll' have for a loooong time. I was there when he test drove it, and encouraged him to buy it..... we decided that for 'us', he already has a nice car....toys galore (guitars, 60 cd changer with huge speakers, drums,), and savings for a house.....and im going to start collecting things for our future house (dishes, furniture, etc....etc..... )which we will pick out together. I'm almost compleatly 100% certain that he's the man im gonna marry. I would say its for sure we'll be together, but how do you really really know, right?

but yeah, we have a car, and will be taking another trip home in a couple weeks (on our 6 month aniversary actually), and valentines day is a week away...i wonder what i'll get....

I suck!

2005-01-20T03:36:00.000-06:00

My 3 month review was today.
I only got a 25 cent raise.
I tried to do my best at everything, and it was noticed. Everything that was said at my review was very very possitive. Then they tell me i only got 25 cents. I guess its not that bad, but when i was aiming for a 50 cent raise, it feels pretty pathetic.

Oh well...

I have another review in 3 months....it will be higher then.

Depressionville Hotel

2005-01-18T02:33:00.000-06:00

This is a Poem i found when actually looking for love poems. I thought is spoke compleatly clearly on the subject....better than i've ever heard before.

Welcome to Depressionville.
I see you found your way here once again!
Have you any guesses
as to how much time you’ll spend?
Please just sign the register
and we’ll let the critics know you’re here.
Remember, you should mumble words
and keep communications quite unclear.

I see you have some baggage;
actually, you’ve brought quite a lot!
But, of course, this is the place for it;
this is the perfect spot.
Oh! Guilt and fear are with you;
yes, of course, that’s quite all right.
We wouldn’t want you sleeping well;
that really ruins OUR nights.

There are things to eat at the sideboard:
just words and junk and pain.
All the things that you can’t swallow now
will, of course, be served again.

Yes! Welcome to Depressionville!
We’re all so glad you’ve come.
Let us know what we might do
to keep you feeling numb.
May your stay be long and bitter;
may your problems keep piling on.
May your tortured soul keep bleeding
until all you love is gone.

Shelley Haggard

The Eminently Plighted One

2005-01-16T23:15:00.000-06:00

And that would be what my roomates choose to nickname me as. It does have a certain ring to it though, doesnt it?

Today was a very special day for me. I mean nothing terribly exciting happened. I woke up and talked on the phone for a few hours to friends then Jason came over and we went shopping, and then i came home and visited with my roomates. Quince then showed up and we went bowling and then played drums at his house. Sounds pretty normal doesn't it? Well to me, it wasn't.

I've been pretty down lately, i've been blaming it on the weather and the fact im broke, which are two very good reasons. I wouldn't be able to think of any other reasons except for the fact that every year i get boughts of pretty nasty depression. I've had it since i can remember. Thats all besides the point. The point is that i was feeling pretty down and have been pretty bitchy for the last little while. I was getting bored of everything and everyone and about to go looking for trouble. Today was awesome though, and i needed that. I had some old friends phone me, and then seeing my friend jason always cheers me up cause he's awesome. And just being around my roomates tonight to was great. We're getting to know each other better and become closer. Then quince was just wonderful tonight.

We went bowling. 10 pin. I've never been 10 bowling before, and i sucked. I was getting pretty pissed off at my suckyness. Quinton (l learned tonight) used to be in a bowling league for 10 years and went to different tournaments around sask. So he's in all his glory showing off his awesomness and im wallowing in my suckyness. Quince doesnt brag or anything....he just encourages me and tells me how awesome im doing for my first time and makes me feel wonderful. thats not big....its nice but not big....

The big thing is.............He played drums in front of me. He's played for years and years and years, and he's never ever played them in front of anyone except at his recitals. He brought down an amp and played like 5 songs for me. That must mean that he trusts me, and really loves me. He hasn't even played in front of his parents before.... I was shocked. Then he showed me how to play some beats and do some different fills and stuff. None of that may sounds like much....but its a lot for him. I'm finally starting to understand how much he loves me. Its scary.....its scary how much i love him to. maybe i'll start loving myself that much too.

Uninspired

2005-01-15T13:46:00.000-06:00

2 Days ago, i was so inspired to write a poem or save the world or plant a tree or something. Where did it go? I'll tell you where it went! I went to california, cause its to cold for even bloody inpiration to survive here in saskatchewan!!! I've been so moody and bitchy lately (which really isn't like me (anymore)), and i think its due to the fact that i need more sunlight and greenery. I need a tropical forest in my house, and then i think i would be happy.....only 2-3 more months of this though! I WILL SURVIVE!! But will my boyfriend and other friends survive me being so bitchy? speaking of which, i think i'll call quince now...

I hate you all

2005-01-12T03:07:00.000-06:00

No, actually i don't. Theres not really anyone that i hate except for that little whore of a girl, Nina's that was always after my boyfriend. I'm just mad today. No reason really....I love everyone, but im in a nasty foul mood and if anyone even attempts to lip off at me today, i'll kick their ass so hard their nose bleeds and i wouldn't think twice or have any remores about it either. I could easily punch someone in the face right now....why am i so violent? Why do i get so angry every so often? And at nothing... i think im just getting bored of the same old thing.

4 days

2005-01-11T07:39:00.000-06:00

Four increadibly long, tourterous days of non-smoking me. Poor everyone who's been in remote contact with me, because my mood swings have been something to be desired. I've found chocolate helps wonderful amounts (but it also adds not so wonderful amounts to my waistline). My review at work is this week, and if i don't get a decent raise, the shitith will hitith the fanith (i just watched 10 things i hate about you). Work is slowly but surely killing me. I just got off another graveyard and should be in bed or something, but instead i'm wide awake downloading ACDC songs. What the hell is wrong with me? I've been really really grumpy....thats whats wrong with me. Why? I don't know....im poor. Thats about it. I've been having really bad dreams lately to. The worst one was my grandma dying. I drempt that i was dreaming that she died, then in my dream i woke up and saw she was alive, and then she died again. I thought it was real that time and i woke up bawling my eyes out. I hate it when shitty dreams like that happen. I drempt that something bad had happened to quinton to, and i wasnt able to see him. That made me sad too. All in all though, life is still good...the weather is cold, but at least we don't have earthquakes and tsunami's...

The Secret Revealed

2005-01-08T02:01:00.000-06:00

I told Quinton that I had been smoking. He was pretty disapointed in me, and i cant really blame him. I felt really bad keeping just that little secret from him. He doesn't believe that i can quit either. That brat!! Thats like daring me to quit. It's like if he wouldn't believe that i would jump in a pool fully clothed. If someone doesn't believe i can do something, that makes me try all the harder to prove them wrong. I'm actually partially doing it because of him, because i love him so much and he's concerned about my health. No one has ever cared about me as much as he does and that just makes me want to please him. I would die for that silly boy.... i think he knows that to.

So this is it! I'm for real this time....shut up! I really am!! I know some have heard me say that a billion times, but I actually am this time.....i pinkie swear.

I just have to believe in myself..... which is the hardest part.

2005-01-07T17:39:00.000-06:00

Me and my boyfriend, Quince

Good Freakin' Grief

2005-01-04T03:38:00.000-06:00

its the third day of the new year and i already broke one resolution....i had a smoke today. But just because i broke it, doesnt mean it can't be repaired, now can it?

Reflections

2004-12-31T06:48:00.000-06:00

Front page headlines of local newspaper "death toll over 115,000 from tsunami". Sharing the same front page - "how to tastefully return unwanted Christmas gifts". Glad to see we have our priorities right...

It seems at the end of every year i get all sentimental and misty-eyed at the thought of another year ending and another beginning. yeah, this year is no different... and thinking about this past year its no wonder that i'm reluctant to see it go, and wary of a new one aproaching...

It started bad and got quite worse for a while. It doesnt help that i started the year homeless, sleeping on a friends couch. I was also in a crappy minimun wage job with not even full hours, and was messing up my life with weed and excessive amounts of alcohol.... add to that a few hospital trips from a sickness that was never diagnosed (though it did go away), an affair with a few unsavory fellows, bad news at the doctors office (which also went away), and a cold that lasted about 3 months, and a couple unsuccesful suicide attempts.

When things are that crappy, they can only get better.

And they did.

Now i'm living with two wonderful roomates (paying rent, not just sleeping on the couch!), have a job that i actually enjoy and work with people i like. AND IT DOESNT PAY MINIMUM WAGE! I'm actually up for a 50 cent raise in a couple weeks. Drugs are long gone, drinking is at an absolute minimum.... I havent been to the hospital for like 8 months, and i'm quite healthy, and the only man in my life is my wonderful boyfriend, Quinton. I have awesome friends that i know i can talk to anytime about anything and they will always be there for me, and have been reconciled with family that i havent been close to for years. Life has been pretty good to me....i honestly don't remember EVER being this happy.

So my goals for the New Year? Keep things going the way they are.

#1. Stop smoking - i might acutally will because I have someone now who cares about my health.

#2. Keep homes to a minimum and break my record of moving every three months... i like the place i'm at.

#3. Keep men to a minimum....I just might keep the one I have ; )

#4. Work my way up at work, and by the end of the year, have my wage $1 more.

#5. Keep the friends i have, and don't lose their trust, like i have with so many others.

#6. Be a happier person, and try to see the good in all situations.

#7, Go on at least a couple adventures - i don't mean climb mount everest, but do something new and exciting - something that i'll remember.

#8. Lose another 30 lbs... i did it this year, i can do it again...

That sounds good and not all that crazy like most peoples....i think i can do it.

So with all that down, HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!! I hope its filled with happiness...

In with the New, out with the old...

2004-12-29T06:38:00.000-06:00

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions. - Joey Adams, Capciron

New years resolutions - what a joke! Lets recap my last years resolutions and the progress they made, shall we?

#1. Stop smoking (Which will again make number one on this years list for the 5th year in a row)

#2. Experiance one new thing each month (That one actually did last a couple months... i remember that part - the new things that i did were a little foggy though)

#3. SETTLE DOWN! (I don't mean, get married and have kids, Christ, im only 21, but i've had this habbit for the last few years to have a dramatic change in my life every few months - like moving - i've lived in over 30 places during the course of my life - some of those times being a friends couch cause i've ended up homeless)(I have settled down a little - the place im living, i've lived at for almost 5 months and have no desire to leave, and i also have a fulltime job that i like and is actually paying the bills)

#4. Re-establish a relationship with the creator of the Universe and gain a greater understanding of his wonderfullness. (um...to the next one...)

#5. Start a relationship with (name withheld). (I've started dating his best friend)

See? See what i mean? Whats the point of New Years resolutions when no one ever follows them? Usually the longest they last is a few months.... i'm sure cigarette sales plunge drastically low for the first couple of weeks of the month, but they're right back up there after ukrainian christmas. Gym memberships are cut short, and after the first month, McDonalds sales are right back to normal. WHY THE HECK DON'T WE KEEP THEM? ARE WE JUST REALLY LAZY? Maybe we're to comfortable where we're at, and lack the desire to change all the much... gee, it might require extra effort and work, and God forbid that we do extra work!

Good heavens.

But i must admit.... i will make a resolution or two - maybe out of habit; maybe cause goals are nice; or maybe I'm convinced that this year i will get off my sorry lazy ass and do something worthwhile..... and maybe monkeys will fly outta my ass...

we'll see what the new year brings, shall we....

Merry Christmakah!

2004-12-27T15:51:00.000-06:00

At Christmas play and make good cheer,For Christmas comes but once a year.Thomas Tusser, 16th century

I worked.

Thats what I did this Christmas....Christmas eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day, though how can i really complain when i did make double time and a half.

That doesnt really impress me all that much though..... I was invited to my boyfriends family Christmas and i had to miss it. That may have proved to be a little awkward though, don't you think. After all, we have only been 'officially' dating for 3 months, 5 unofficially. BAH HUMBUG!!

STOP COMPLAINING YOU NIT!!

ok, Christmas was actually quite good for me. I went home and visited all my family which was just wonderful....spend christmas eve day with quince and his fam before working. I gave him a brand new bass guitar for Christmas and i swear he almost shit himself.....it was wonderful! He, in return, gave me this beautiful diamond watch from disney world (he was just there with his family). His parents gave me jewelry and he sister gave me a candle lamp. Work wasn't even that bad, and after quince picked me up and we went to his place and fell asleep listening to Christmas music untill about 5:00 am. It was perfect.

Christmas day was odd cause i woke up alone in my house (i have 2 roomates that left for the holidays) and spent the day alone untill work. And yesterday (boxing day) was such a joke at work.....we did hardly anything at all. we just sat on our asses behind the counter talking about music and inanimate objects and what other useful functions they may perform other than that what they were created for. ex - electronic temp gauge - a laser for snipers to use when sniping campus students from the top of the res building at 3:00am saturday nights (that was Chris' idea entirely).

All in all, i got presents, i gave presents, i had a christmas tree, i kissed under mistletoe, and went christmas shopping with my boyfriend and taught him how to wrap presents. doesn't sound all that exciting does it? but the more i think about it, it was the best Christmas i think i've ever had, just because i was with someone i love, and everything wonderful that happened to him, i got to share. Everything seems to mean just a little bit more now that he's in my life.

and now..... 4 more day's till new years.......... and Trooper.....

Home, Home on the range...

2004-12-18T13:39:00.000-06:00

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

-Bill Cosby-

6 hours.... a measly 6 hours left untill my boyfriend and me leave to go visit my home for the weekend.....I'M GOING NUTS!!! I can hardly wait! It's pretty pathetic to think that my family is only about an hour away, but i only see them about 3 times a year. But what can you do when you don't have a car and you work retarded hours at a stupid entry level job. Oh yeah, 7-11....how prestigous is that? I guess i owe my Quinton a big thanks...without him i wouldn't be going. Boyfriends are so great - every girl should own one (kidding).

Its been such a long time since i saw my mom and grandma... i wonder what could have change? hmmmm.... my grandma is probably progressigvly sinking deeper into senility...just like all us Hawkins seem to do. She'll be convinced that i'm living 'in sin' with quinton, have 3 kids, and living on welfare....only because she's so cracked out on painkillers for her arthritis. My mom will be exactly the same as the last day i saw her...nothing ever changes...and thats kinda conforting.

The main reason for returning home though? - It's Christmas - and I miss the Shultz's - and Winnie will make me really good food tommorow. Ok, thats not the main reason....It's Christmas, and everyone should be with whatever family they have or consider to be family... So merry 1 week untill Christmas.